What can I say about help?  There are so many things I could write about the word help. I have received in the last year so much help I kind of feel bad about it. You see I had a brain surgery 1 year ago. I had a ton of help from my family including my sister and parents staying with me and driving me places before and after my surgery. I don’t know what we would have done without them. I get choked up thinking about it. 

     The one thing that comes to mind with the word help is my husband! He was and is my rock. As I came home I couldn’t walk by myself and it took a lot of effort to even get out of a chair. So getting up in the morning was a tough one not to mention a lot was confusing. I had a handful of medications and I couldn’t keep them straight or remember how much to take. Every morning he brought me my meds in a little cup along with a banana, yogurt and orange juice. I had to keep my vitamin C up Drs orders. He did all this before leaving for work. Then he wrote down my pain meds and what time I took them for me and whoever would be with me that day. At night he did the same. 

     This man is a saint!  He didn’t have to bring my medicine right to my bed but he did every single day. He didn’t have to call me everyday just to check on me while he was at work but he did!

     So I could have wrote a lot about the word help. I help people everyday at my job. I help my fellow coworkers and they help me. I’ve helped with cleaning and  yard work at home and with my friends and family. But the first thing that has come to mind is my family and my husband. They have and continue to go above and beyond and I for them now. 

      So thank you everyone who has helped me for the last 3-5 years during my diagnosis, my journey to surgery, and the road after.  You all mean the world to me and I love you all. 



Firsts and Lasts

   As I watch my coworkers and many people I know watch their kids,  babies and their firsts I step back and ponder on how fast time flies by.  While they are watching their firsts with their kids so am I.  In my case I’m watching a lot of things coming in all directions.  Firsts and lasts are happening every day last firsts and last lasts.

    By that meaning for example my son started his first day of his senior year in September.  I was thinking this is his last first day of school.  Today he started his last trimester of his senior year.  It’s his last trimester of school before he graduates.  He will never again have a first day of the start of a new trimester.  He also just finished his last varsity basketball game on home court.  It was his last ever game on an organized team.  On the first game of the season I cried at the thought of his last first game ever.

    It’s funny that when they are little we celebrate the firsts.  We celebrate the first words, the first steps, the first laughs, the first time they ride their bike and so on.  But as they get older such as my situation we are celebrating lasts.  Just like the firsts you are taking lots of pictures and you are taking in every moment.  Sometimes there are tears.  In both cases they are happy and sad tears.  You feel happy and proud but miss the days of the past.  You raise your kids to grow up but sometimes when that begins you are celebrating but it feels sad at the same time.

    Graduation is coming quick and there is going to be many lasts in the months to come.  It’s a reality there will be tears and they will be happy and sad at the same time.  I’m very  proud of all three of my kids and the young people they are becoming.  however I can’t help but think back to all the firsts and wish my little boys back and my little girl back.

    I have come to realize firsts are lasts and lasts are first.  When you do something for the first time you won’t do it again for the first time.  And when a last comes around there will be a first behind it with a new journey.  We will never get these days back and I can’t turn back time.  So I figure I need to take every moment in stride and love it.  Live my life to the fullest every day. No time for the negative.

This Day Last Year

This day last year was different.  This day last year didn’t start like any other day.  This day last year I was freaking out.  Did I get everything done to prepare my life, my kids, my family and my house for the long road ahead?  Will I remember my kids smile or a hug from my husband? Will I be the same when I come home?  These are thoughts that were going through my head that day.  A lot of things would go thru my head that day.

This day last year we drove to the hospital and  we heard a song.  The song was “Thinking out Loud” by Ed Sheeran.  It was too much and it made me cry.  I was on my way to a Grand Rapids hospital for my brain surgery.  I had a craniotomy  resection lobectomy, an epilepsy surgery that hopefully would take care of my seizures in which it did. When this song came on all I could think about was what could happen?  Will I remember our life together?  Will I remember my family and friends? Will I act the same and be the same person I was?  But the other thought was what if I don’t do this surgery there is a huge risk they would get worse or I could die.    The song is about remembering your significant other as you get older and possibly forget important little things about each other and how much we care for each other.

This day last year as I got to the surgery waiting room my pastor his son and my parents were there and before we were.  My kids were on their way with my sister.  This day last year I was prayed for and said “see ya after my surgery” to my family. Not knowing what things would be like.

This day last year my husband stayed right next to me holding my hand until I was out.  The last thing I remember is my pastor and his son praying over me.  And that was it everything went black and I was out.

This day last year I woke up in a hospital room all stapled up after a 3 1/2 hour surgery I think.  Honestly I don’t remember how long it was.   My whole family was around me and I remembered them even though I was still partly out.  I was severely dizzy but I remembered.

This day last year my whole world was spinning literally.  This day last year I couldn’t walk at all without help.  Not because I didn’t know how but because well I just had brain surgery and I was severely dizzy and had a headache from hell. This day last year changed my life and changed my day to day living.

This day last year my life slowed down but only for a little while. I had to walk with a walker or have someone help me.  It hurt to eat and my head just hurt.  There is still recovery time for another year maybe two.  Lots of dizziness and lots of headaches in which I will deal with probably the rest of my life.  The best part of this day last year was I was given a gift of a surgery to get my life back to normal.  It was a gift of a better quality of life and to begin to live out loud.



Sentimental me


    The prompt word for today completely explains me.  I am the most sentimental, emotional person anyone will ever meet.  Sometimes I wonder if it’s a good trait to have.  Everyone tends to get upset at me when I get sentimental.  I don’t mean to be that way it is just the way I am. 

   When I’m at home and I need to express my feelings or something that just bothers me I get a little emotional and my family gets annoyed.  My children are beginning to graduate high school and move on with their lives which makes me a tad bit more emotional.   My husband gets a little annoyed with my sentimental attribute.  He is seeing a lot more of it lately.    When I am at work my coworkers don’t think I can handle criticism when actually I can.  When something happens that causes me to be sentimental I usually cry.  I cry a lot and I guess that throws people off.  It causes them to back off and kind of avoid me.

   One year ago I had a brain surgery to control my epilepsy in which I will write about in a future post.  A complete healing from this surgery takes 1-3 years.  That doesn’t mean physical healing it means I deal with a lot of depression, anxiety and emotions that are out of my control.

   I have always been a sentimental person.    This  experience I have been through has made this worse.  But I am content with who I am and have no intension of trying to change me and the way I am. I guess someday I will find people who can understand me and who I am until then I try to be the nicest person I can and do the best I can to make me happy.  If people can’t handle me then oh well it shows their true colors.  I love being sentimental I feel like it gives me the ability to empathize and sympathize with people.  I work as a hairstylist and I need to be that way to get through my day.

One of the strongest women I know

My sister is and has been the strongest woman I know.  Today marks two years of the death of her husband.  He was 38 and diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer and 6 months later was gone.  He left behind a 5 year old girl and a 1 year old boy.  Thus leaving my sister a single mom.  I feel like through all the medical care and chemo she did her mourning before he died.  They talked a lot about what he wanted for her if and when he didn’t make it.  Because of this she has stayed very positive and optimistic about her future.  She has bad days as that is a given with the situation.  And it is hard for her to do things as a single parent when both parents are present for school events or tball games.  She even took my niece to a Valentines father daughter dance.    She has given inspiration to most people she knows including her older sister which would be me.  I’ve had a hard year myself medically.  She has made me see the positive in everything I am and have been going through.

Today is a hard one for our entire family as my kids lost their uncle in which they were very close with.  He came to every football game of my oldest on the worst of the worst days for him.  He was a huge football fan and wouldn’t have missed his nephew playing if he didn’t have to.  He came with his fold up Lions chair and screamed his head off for my son.  It meant the world to him to be there and my son to see his uncle Matt there.  My middle son had a big connection with him for super hero and nerd movies.  By nerd movies I mean the Lord of the Rings trilogy, The Hobbit and so forth.  My husband and I are not into movies like that so it was a huge thing for my son to have someone interested.  Every movie that came out they saw it in Imax.  My daughter was just getting to know him and they loved running around the yard together.  All three of them would play catch with the football in the yard no matter where we were.  He didn’t get to see my oldest graduate and go off to school which he was very excited about.

Matt worked for the Coca Cola company and the day we dropped my son off for the start of his freshman year in college we were driving into town and there is a coca cola plant as you drive into town.  It was a sign to all of us he is here and with us.

Cancer is a monster that took a loved one from us and we miss him horribly.  My sister is doing very well and obviously misses him horribly as well as my niece.   My nephew will never remember only through pictures.  As far as pictures my sister has taken no family pictures or pictures of the two of them down and never has.  As I said she sees this as something that happened and insists on seeing the good.  She has two little ones to raise and they can’t see sadness every day.  She makes the best of every day and for that she is the strongest woman I know.

I hate snow and yes I know I live in Michigan 

I am not a big fan of snow. I live in the western lower  peninsula and I’ve hated snow for a very long time. And yes I know I live in Michigan. In explaining I do not like snow I always get the “you live In the wrong state”. I know this yet my great great grandparents settled here. Why they stayed in this cold climate I’ll never know.

As a kid I really didn’t enjoy playing in the snow much. I did because my sister loved it and if I didn’t go out and my friends did I would be alone. So I braved the cold temperatures and went sledding and built snow forts and had snowball fights. But it wasn’t my favorite.  My favorite is being warm and seeing the sunshine. When I get cold I don’t warm up quick at all. And my body is working so hard to warm up all I want to do is sleep. When I’m warm I can cool down much easier but to me it can ever be too hot. Most of the time when it snows there is no sun. I need the sun for my wellbeing. I am  happier and  feel better with the sun. Anytime I say I would like to live somewhere south someone always says “you don’t want to live there it’s way to hot you would hate it”. No I won’t hate it as I said the heat doesn’t bother me. I can cool down so much easier than I can warm up. For instance I’ve been freezing all night. We are having a winter storm here. We have about 10 inches of snow. I’m sitting here with a heated blanket on and I’m still cold. If it were summer and I was too hot I could drink some ice water, go jump in my parents pool go to a restaurant with really good air conditioning. Yet I’m sitting here in my house where I have heat I’m wearing warm clothes and I have a heated blanket.

So yes I know I live in Michigan. And it does not change the fact snow is my very least favorite. And someday I’m going to move south and yes there may be cold days but they won’t last quite as long and be as harsh as they are here. And when I live there and there is snow and everyone is freaking over 1 inch of snow I’ll be remembering this day with 10 inches of snow and I’ll be driving around like a boss. I’ll also know that there will be more warmer days then snowy days and The sun will be back soon.  I see green grass in my future. Although it doesn’t look like it spring is coming and literally we’ll have green grass very soon. But someday I’ll be somewhere where green grass in normal!!  Thank you for reading rant about how I hate snow.  #snow