Our house is different now. Our house is not the same. It’s been a strange last couple of months since our boys have both been off to school and living on campus. It is now just my husband and and I and our 14 year old daughter left here at home.
The boys are busy with their studies. They don’t call a lot. I try to call them once a week or so but they really are busy and I rarely get them the first time.
My husband seems kind of sad with out his boys. His basketball playing and basketball watching little buddies. I try to sit in but I can’t replace the bond he has with them.
The dog is a whole other story. He seems to be a little angry. He misses them. He started acting weird when we sit around at night. And all of a sudden he started pooping in the dining room every day. Something he has never done before. He is completely house trained. The problem is our 18 year old son took him out every night and when he got home from school. Not that no one else did but apparently he missed him.
The house itself seems to be a little sad too. Just not as lively. It’s like the house itself is wondering where the boys are.
My daughter had the most glamorous Pinterest page you had ever seen dedicated to the take over of her brothers room. Filled with DIY’s like you wouldn’t believe. But he didn’t want to give up his room. He wanted a place to come to when he came home. It was his choice. She was a little bummed. But I let her do the DIY’s in her room. About a month in she broke down in tears admitting she missed her brothers. Before that she would have never said that!
All in all our house is different. Our life is different. I’m not used to it yet. I don’t know how long this takes to get used to it or if you ever do. But I love my boys and I’m so insanely proud of them taking a step to go off to college on their own. They are living every moment and doing well. And that’s all I can ask for.
I had decided I was not going to have a resolution this year. I never follow through. It always end in me feeling like a failure. The other day I found a post someone posted stating things they’d like to do this year taking them back to the simple things. I thought that sounded like a great idea. By that meaning things like more walks going to the the beach and picnics, going on long drives at night and daytime, more dates and flowers, more movies new and old, more phone calls and writing. This last summer I took a long drive and found a magical beach I did not know existed. Mind you I have lived in the same place my whole life. This place is absolutely magical and off the beaten path. I would have never found it if I hadn’t decided to take a long drive that day and go in that direction. So I’d like to write more about these experiences! I love to write and where better than here.
What can I say about help? There are so many things I could write about the word help. I have received in the last year so much help I kind of feel bad about it. You see I had a brain surgery 1 year ago. I had a ton of help from my family including my sister and parents staying with me and driving me places before and after my surgery. I don’t know what we would have done without them. I get choked up thinking about it.
The one thing that comes to mind with the word help is my husband! He was and is my rock. As I came home I couldn’t walk by myself and it took a lot of effort to even get out of a chair. So getting up in the morning was a tough one not to mention a lot was confusing. I had a handful of medications and I couldn’t keep them straight or remember how much to take. Every morning he brought me my meds in a little cup along with a banana, yogurt and orange juice. I had to keep my vitamin C up Drs orders. He did all this before leaving for work. Then he wrote down my pain meds and what time I took them for me and whoever would be with me that day. At night he did the same.
This man is a saint! He didn’t have to bring my medicine right to my bed but he did every single day. He didn’t have to call me everyday just to check on me while he was at work but he did!
So I could have wrote a lot about the word help. I help people everyday at my job. I help my fellow coworkers and they help me. I’ve helped with cleaning and yard work at home and with my friends and family. But the first thing that has come to mind is my family and my husband. They have and continue to go above and beyond and I for them now.
So thank you everyone who has helped me for the last 3-5 years during my diagnosis, my journey to surgery, and the road after. You all mean the world to me and I love you all.
As I watch my coworkers and many people I know watch their kids, babies and their firsts I step back and ponder on how fast time flies by. While they are watching their firsts with their kids so am I. In my case I’m watching a lot of things coming in all directions. Firsts and lasts are happening every day last firsts and last lasts.
By that meaning for example my son started his first day of his senior year in September. I was thinking this is his last first day of school. Today he started his last trimester of his senior year. It’s his last trimester of school before he graduates. He will never again have a first day of the start of a new trimester. He also just finished his last varsity basketball game on home court. It was his last ever game on an organized team. On the first game of the season I cried at the thought of his last first game ever.
It’s funny that when they are little we celebrate the firsts. We celebrate the first words, the first steps, the first laughs, the first time they ride their bike and so on. But as they get older such as my situation we are celebrating lasts. Just like the firsts you are taking lots of pictures and you are taking in every moment. Sometimes there are tears. In both cases they are happy and sad tears. You feel happy and proud but miss the days of the past. You raise your kids to grow up but sometimes when that begins you are celebrating but it feels sad at the same time.
Graduation is coming quick and there is going to be many lasts in the months to come. It’s a reality there will be tears and they will be happy and sad at the same time. I’m very proud of all three of my kids and the young people they are becoming. however I can’t help but think back to all the firsts and wish my little boys back and my little girl back.
I have come to realize firsts are lasts and lasts are first. When you do something for the first time you won’t do it again for the first time. And when a last comes around there will be a first behind it with a new journey. We will never get these days back and I can’t turn back time. So I figure I need to take every moment in stride and love it. Live my life to the fullest every day. No time for the negative.
This day last year was different. This day last year didn’t start like any other day. This day last year I was freaking out. Did I get everything done to prepare my life, my kids, my family and my house for the long road ahead? Will I remember my kids smile or a hug from my husband? Will I be the same when I come home? These are thoughts that were going through my head that day. A lot of things would go thru my head that day.
This day last year we drove to the hospital and we heard a song. The song was “Thinking out Loud” by Ed Sheeran. It was too much and it made me cry. I was on my way to a Grand Rapids hospital for my brain surgery. I had a craniotomy resection lobectomy, an epilepsy surgery that hopefully would take care of my seizures in which it did. When this song came on all I could think about was what could happen? Will I remember our life together? Will I remember my family and friends? Will I act the same and be the same person I was? But the other thought was what if I don’t do this surgery there is a huge risk they would get worse or I could die. The song is about remembering your significant other as you get older and possibly forget important little things about each other and how much we care for each other.
This day last year as I got to the surgery waiting room my pastor his son and my parents were there and before we were. My kids were on their way with my sister. This day last year I was prayed for and said “see ya after my surgery” to my family. Not knowing what things would be like.
This day last year my husband stayed right next to me holding my hand until I was out. The last thing I remember is my pastor and his son praying over me. And that was it everything went black and I was out.
This day last year I woke up in a hospital room all stapled up after a 3 1/2 hour surgery I think. Honestly I don’t remember how long it was. My whole family was around me and I remembered them even though I was still partly out. I was severely dizzy but I remembered.
This day last year my whole world was spinning literally. This day last year I couldn’t walk at all without help. Not because I didn’t know how but because well I just had brain surgery and I was severely dizzy and had a headache from hell. This day last year changed my life and changed my day to day living.
This day last year my life slowed down but only for a little while. I had to walk with a walker or have someone help me. It hurt to eat and my head just hurt. There is still recovery time for another year maybe two. Lots of dizziness and lots of headaches in which I will deal with probably the rest of my life. The best part of this day last year was I was given a gift of a surgery to get my life back to normal. It was a gift of a better quality of life and to begin to live out loud.
The prompt word for today completely explains me. I am the most sentimental, emotional person anyone will ever meet. Sometimes I wonder if it’s a good trait to have. Everyone tends to get upset at me when I get sentimental. I don’t mean to be that way it is just the way I am.
When I’m at home and I need to express my feelings or something that just bothers me I get a little emotional and my family gets annoyed. My children are beginning to graduate high school and move on with their lives which makes me a tad bit more emotional. My husband gets a little annoyed with my sentimental attribute. He is seeing a lot more of it lately. When I am at work my coworkers don’t think I can handle criticism when actually I can. When something happens that causes me to be sentimental I usually cry. I cry a lot and I guess that throws people off. It causes them to back off and kind of avoid me.
One year ago I had a brain surgery to control my epilepsy in which I will write about in a future post. A complete healing from this surgery takes 1-3 years. That doesn’t mean physical healing it means I deal with a lot of depression, anxiety and emotions that are out of my control.
I have always been a sentimental person. This experience I have been through has made this worse. But I am content with who I am and have no intension of trying to change me and the way I am. I guess someday I will find people who can understand me and who I am until then I try to be the nicest person I can and do the best I can to make me happy. If people can’t handle me then oh well it shows their true colors. I love being sentimental I feel like it gives me the ability to empathize and sympathize with people. I work as a hairstylist and I need to be that way to get through my day.
Looking out my window at the falling snow I am longing for a warm summer day!! I want to lay in the sun. I want to sit by the waters edge and listen to either the waves or a trickling stream. I want to lay in the cool grass at night, look at the stars and watch the lightning bugs. Sitting by a crackling fire with friends and family sounds good too. The daily prompt